How to send an astronaut into orbit:
Ask him how much thrust his rocket produces.
Tell him he’s go for insertion.
Show him you can perform a docking manoeuvre.
How to inflame a fireman:
Ask him if you can try on his helmet.
Tell him you like his hose.
Show him you can administer mouth-to-mouth.
How to sweet-talk a chef:
Ask him if you can toss his salad.
Tell him mouth-feel is all-important.
Show him how extensive your menu is.
How to hang on to a rodeo rider:
Ask him if you can ride his bull.
Tell him he’s stayed on the longest.
Show him how strong your inner thighs are.
How to tie a yoga instructor in knots:
Ask him how long he can hold it.
Tell him you’ve studied Tantra.
Show him your best wide-angled leg pose.
How to talk dirty to a health inspector:
Ask him if he comes here often.
Tell him you need scrubbing down.
Show him what you can do with a pair of Marigolds.
(C) Helen Lewis, 2006